sailorstkwrning

title: I wrote "petticoats" at the top of the page
summary: ~~outline~~ ok more of a proper ficlet that i wrote over the course of about three hours, about a of truly ridiculous encounter between The Used and Ryan Ross plus cameos from others, which has clearly never, ever happened.
rating: r for ridiculous, pg-13 for recreational drugs (weed) and The Used.
warnings: To the best of my knowledge this contains no scenes or language which could be triggery. Also, this is what happens when i am procrastinating studying by engaging in chatfic with myself.

Ryan is at a party in a strange neighborhood. He gets sent out on a scavenger hunt with Alex and Jon and they get separated, and then Ryan is lost. He's stumbling around in the dark in the woods and people's yards and falls over a bunch of times. The last time he twists his ankle pretty badly and then he hears the muffled rumble of drums and limps towards it.

He and Jon & Alex had smoked up a little (okay, maybe a lot) before they set out, and he was pleasantly fuzzy, but now he's just tired, his ankle hurts, and he's lost. Ryan hates being lost. Also he fell in a pool somewhere along the line and his phone is probably dead, so he cannot call anyone and get un-lost.

But there are drums! That probably means civilization. Or at least someone with a phone. Who may not shoot him if he comes into their yard. The drums get louder as he gets closer, and he can hear crackling, too. He comes out of the woods and holy shit, that's a big bonfire. Ryan kind of gets distracted by the pretty colors and doesn't notice anyone else is there until someone makes a really loud noise in his ear and he falls over. Again.

He lands kind of hard on his hands, plus his hat falls off. But at least he doesn't fall in the fire! Ryan guesses the person who made the really loud noise is the person that's crouched down next to him staring at him, which is impressive because that person is kind of a tiny dude. Who looks sort of familiar.

Then another dude appears from behind the fire. He's bigger, but not a by a lot. He also has a hat. And there are tattoos on his neck. A couple of seconds later two more dudes come around the other side of the fire. One of them is carrying a guitar. They look kind of familiar, too. Maybe he's met them before.

"Hey," the first new dude says.

"I'm lost," Ryan says.

"I'm Bert," says the dude crouched next to Ryan. "Why the fuck are you in my yard?"

Ryan starts to explain about the scavenger hunt and getting separated and making a wrong turn at a miniature windmill, or maybe it was the yard full of gigantic shoe chairs, Ryan's not sure. There had only been one porch light on, and Ryan had thought maybe the giants were sleeping and he shouldn't wake them, and -

"I need a fucking miniature windmill," Bert says, jumping up like he's going out to get one right now.

"Dude," says the dude with the guitar.

"What kind of shoes?" asks the guy without the guitar. They've come a lot closer now and Ryan can see he a snail tattooed on one of his wrists.

"Fuzzy ones," Ryan says. Neck Tattoos leans down and offers him a hand up. "They were really soft -" and then he stops because his ankle is on fire.

Okay, not really. But it really, really fucking hurts. Neck Tattoos grabs Ryan's arm so Ryan wobbles instead of falling over again.

"You're all wet," Wrist Snail observes.

"I fell in a pool," Ryan says, feeling really stupid. And tired. "Killed my phone."

"Miniature windmill," Bert sing-songs. He's jumped on Guitar Dude's back and is making the strings twang.

Neck Tattoos and Wrist Snail look at each other. Ryan tries standing on both feet again, which is a bad idea. The next thing Ryan knows Wrist Snail has picked Ryan up and thrown Ryan over his shoulder and is walking around the fire.

"Hey!" Bert calls out. The string twanging gets louder. Ryan is maybe a little scared now, because what if they all look familiar because he saw them on the news for being serial killers?

On the other side of the fire is a house. They go inside, into a bathroom. It's a really pink bathroom. With a lot of black roses around the mirror. Some of the roses might be bleeding, Ryan isn't sure. Wrist Snail deposits Ryan on the counter next to the sink and disappears. Bert comes in with Guitar Dude and sings a song about windmills and used car lots. It's a really loud song, but Guitar Dude has a massive blunt, which he shares, and that helps a lot. Ryan is still cold and wet and filthy but he's pretty sure serial killers would totally bogart their blunts. So he probably isn't going to die.

They're on verse three when Neck Tattoos and Wrist Snail come back with towels, aspirin and a bottle of water. Ryan takes two aspirin and drinks most of the water and doesn't fight when Neck Tattoos wiggles Ryan out of most of his clothes and Wrist Snail moves him into the shower. The water is nice and hot and when he's washed the worst of the dirt off Ryan props himself up against the wall and listens to Bert sing. He's added a verse about decapitated rubber ducks, which is starting to bum Ryan out. Wrist Snail comes back and gets Ryan out of the shower and wraps him in a big fluffy towel and starts combing Ryan's hair out, which distracts Ryan from being bummed out for a while.

"I put your stuff in the wash," Neck Tattoos says, from the doorway. He's got a bundle of fabric in his arms. "Put this on when Dan is done with you and come outside, we have pizza and vegan hotdogs."

"I call shotgun!" Bert crows, jumping down off Guitar Dude, and suddenly the bathroom is really quiet.

"We got one with everything," Dan says, setting down the comb and stepping back. Ryan's stomach rumbles and they both laugh.

Dan leaves and Ryan picks up the bundle of fabric. It's a dress. It's got short sleeves and a scoop neck and may at one time have been purple. Ryan slides off the sink carefully and thinks about just going out in his boxers. But they're wet from the shower and already starting to chafe. He sighs and pulls them off and the dress on.

It feels weird, but at least he's not actually naked. Ryan shakes the skirt out and hobbles out through the kitchen and into the yard. Bert is singing about pineapple and sardines, Guitar Dude is working through a melody, and Ryan's ankle hurts so much he wants to sit down and cry. He's looking around for a mostly clean patch of grass to fall on when Dan grabs him and pulls him onto his lap.

"Tape, Jepha," Dan calls out, handing Ryan a slice of pizza, and Neck Tattoos sets down his stick full of vegan dogs and goes in the house.

Ryan curls his legs underneath him and eats the pizza slowly, careful of the hot cheese. Jepha comes back with a roll of ace bandage and wraps Ryan's ankle. He tells Ryan to wiggle his toes and Ryan does. Eventually the fire and the food and Dan's steady breathing make Ryan drowsy and he takes a little nap.

When Ryan wakes up again, Jon and Alex are sitting on the ground in front of him, jamming with Bert and Guitar Dude. Dan is tapping out a beat half on Ryan's back and half on the arm of the chair. Jepha is still roasting hot dogs in the fire. Ryan sits up enough to kick Jon in the shoulder with his good foot.

"You're wearing a dress," Jon says when he turns around, as if Ryan might not have noticed.

"I fell in a pool," Ryan says.

"MINIATURE WINDMILL!" Bert bellows, and Alex drops down to a minor chord as he turns to look at Ryan, too.

"Your stuff is almost dry," Jepha says, sliding a hot dog off his stick and onto a bun. He extends the stick towards Alex, one eyebrow raised, and Alex nods and pulls one off with two fingers.

"I like it," Alex offers, after a bite of hot dog. "You should wear that on stage."

"No pockets," Ryan says, fluffing the skirt a little, and Alex makes a disappointed noise. Ryan can feel Dan shaking with silent laughter.

Then Jon and Alex tell him about their Epic Quest to find him. Bert starts singing the parts he thinks are interesting. Sometimes Alex chimes in. The dryer buzzer goes off. Dan takes Ryan back into the bathroom, and Jepha brings Ryan's clothes in to him. When Ryan comes out, he and Alex have to sing one more round of both the Miniature Windmill and Decapitated Rubber Ducky song and No Seriously, We Saw Willem Defoe in the Sonic song before Bert will let them leave.

"Dude," Jon says, when they get into Alex's car.

"Dude," Alex agrees. Ryan can hear him humming the Windmill song under his breath.

Ryan jams his hat on his head and sighs. They don't argue when he asks to stop at In-n-Out on the way home.