I'm not sure how often you receive critical reviews, but here we go.
Your story hooked me from the start; it was easy for me to get wrapped up in the characters and their turmoils. We were introduced to the idea of an adversary early on when stories of Korse piqued my interest. The relationships, the research, the depth of the characters, the language, it was all there.
But your story was lackluster, at best. From the point where we introduced Korse on, I expected a rise in tension, a upping of the ante so to speak, that never came. There were a few escapades involving cross-dressing that I was sure would lead to more tension in the plot, but to no avail. Every little bump in the story was evenly smoothed out instead of allowing us to raise the tension higher and higher. Gerard leaves Mikey and Iero behind, eliciting feelings of resentment? No problem, he comes back, all better. Spencer and Ryan stowaway a fugitive, and the stakes rise. But no problem, Gerard punishes them for a week, and literally in the next section all is better.
The point where the story finally picked up and I really got excited was when Korse came to the print shop - I thought, 'Finally!' But, to my dismay, far too soon, the climactic duel (that had very little build up to it) was over, indecisively, and all was better again.
A story's arc should essentially be a single curve; starting off with one established reality, presenting a problem at the beginning (both of which you did), and then raising dramatic tension until at the end of the story there is resolution. Essentially, you put in enough development and research for a 30k+ story, but only enough story for, oh, 5k at most.
I can tell just how hard you worked on this story, not only from it's length but from all the painstaking details added in. So I implore you; take your amazing craft with words and understanding of characterization, and give us a little bit more story. Make more things go wrong. Make our climax actually feel like a climax: a resolution of all of the problems that have developed during the story.
I hope you take my review of your work in the best of strides and that you keep writing, since it's clear you have a real gift for it.
no subject
Your story hooked me from the start; it was easy for me to get wrapped up in the characters and their turmoils. We were introduced to the idea of an adversary early on when stories of Korse piqued my interest. The relationships, the research, the depth of the characters, the language, it was all there.
But your story was lackluster, at best. From the point where we introduced Korse on, I expected a rise in tension, a upping of the ante so to speak, that never came. There were a few escapades involving cross-dressing that I was sure would lead to more tension in the plot, but to no avail. Every little bump in the story was evenly smoothed out instead of allowing us to raise the tension higher and higher. Gerard leaves Mikey and Iero behind, eliciting feelings of resentment? No problem, he comes back, all better. Spencer and Ryan stowaway a fugitive, and the stakes rise. But no problem, Gerard punishes them for a week, and literally in the next section all is better.
The point where the story finally picked up and I really got excited was when Korse came to the print shop - I thought, 'Finally!' But, to my dismay, far too soon, the climactic duel (that had very little build up to it) was over, indecisively, and all was better again.
A story's arc should essentially be a single curve; starting off with one established reality, presenting a problem at the beginning (both of which you did), and then raising dramatic tension until at the end of the story there is resolution. Essentially, you put in enough development and research for a 30k+ story, but only enough story for, oh, 5k at most.
I can tell just how hard you worked on this story, not only from it's length but from all the painstaking details added in. So I implore you; take your amazing craft with words and understanding of characterization, and give us a little bit more story. Make more things go wrong. Make our climax actually feel like a climax: a resolution of all of the problems that have developed during the story.
I hope you take my review of your work in the best of strides and that you keep writing, since it's clear you have a real gift for it.